There’s literally no day you’ll scroll through social media without stumbling upon some version of “divine femininity” or some woman expressing the need to “turn off her brain” for her man. It’s everywhere. TikTok, X, Instagram, YouTube. This increasingly popular idea that femininity requires mental and emotional shrinkage is intellectually insulting and fundamentally at odds with what it means to be a full, independent human being. And for Nigerian women, who have always been workers, thinkers, and resilient people who always hold their own, it is especially absurd. What happened? Where did we lose the plot?

Dating a smart man so you actually can turn your brain off when he is around >>>>>

— yahnee (@therealyahnee) March 29, 2025

This tracks with the uptick of digital content trends like the so called “trad wife”, a portmanteau of “traditional wife,”  movement: a lifestyle content genre promoting the ideal woman as sweetly subordinate, domestically devoted, and willfully withdrawn from the ambitions of modern feminism. Influencers within this sphere often showcase meticulously curated images of domestic bliss, advocating for a return to conventional gender roles.

Women fought hard to ensure that the notion of womanhood was not tethered to one singular, often passive, vision of domesticity. The idea of women “powering down” in relationships is not new as the glamorization of female fragility has long been a tool of patriarchy. What’s new is its digital rebranding. Today, women are bombarded with content encouraging them to abandon assertiveness and self-possession under the guise of “resting in their feminine energy,” often encouraged by a flourishing economy of self-help influencers who introduce pseudospiritual jargon into barely disguised submission. There is nothing revolutionary about reanimating old power dynamics and calling them divine.

The divine feminine doesn’t fit in anywhere because she is too multidimensional. She is nurturing like a godly mom, she’s fragile yet strong, she’s chaste & sensual, she takes care of her physical & spiritual health, she’s magnetic but doesn’t seek attn. She belongs to God

— Cleopatra 🪷 ✞ (@amandaperera) October 9, 2024

The trad wife content rarely addresses what actually makes domestic labor so exhausting: the unpaid nature of it. The repetition. The social invisibility. And the fact that many of these same tasks (cleaning, cooking, caretaking) have historically been offloaded onto other, usually poorer, women.

This romantic retreat from ambition arrives during a time of growing economic instability. Nigerian women have historically been, and continue to be, industrious and entrepreneurial. A staggering 83% of Nigerian women consider themselves entrepreneurs, a figure that surpasses the regional average of 51% across Eastern Europe, the Middle East, and Africa. This entrepreneurial spirit is not merely a pursuit of passion but often a necessity, driven by the need for financial independence and stability. Furthermore, women contribute approximately 60% to Nigeria’s entire economy, primarily through their involvement in the informal sector and agriculture. But the world is currently exhausting. Burnout is high, wages are stagnant, and the cost of living rises. So many women, particularly millennial and Gen Z, are exhausted. The mental load, the economic precarity, the endless multitasking, it’s not unreasonable to want reprieve, and no wonder some find appeal in the idea of simply letting a man lead. But the brutal, unromantic truth is women do not have the luxury of ceding power, not in Nigeria, not anywhere. The reality is that history has given us little, if any, evidence to suggest that we can hand over the reins to men and expect it to go well. Not sustainably. Not without cost.

Plus the entirety of this hinges on one big assumption that men are better suited to lead. That they’re naturally more capable, more decisive, more rational. But are they?

Men are not innately more logical or powerful. They’re just socialized, from birth, to assume authority. And if we keep reinforcing a dynamic where men lead and women defer, not because it’s practical, but because it feels “romantic”, we are just playing dumb. What’s even more ironic is that many of the men being deferred to in this fantasy of male leadership are not exactly paragons of wisdom or strength. Yes, patriarchy exists. Yes, misogyny shapes male entitlement. But even beyond that, men are human. And that means they have limitations just like anyone else. They falter. They fail. They forget. They are not built to carry the full weight of another person’s life, ambitions, or wellbeing. No one is. This fantasy that a man will step in, perfectly provide, lead wisely, shield you from harm, and do it all with grace and competence is delusional.

None of this is to say that relationships should be competitions of dominance. Of course not. A healthy partnership involves complementarity, support, flexibility, taking turns leading when necessary. There is great beauty in softness, in asking for help, in choosing rest. But that’s not the same as strategic self-erasure. The idea that you must stop thinking in order to find peace or love is both dangerous and deeply unambitious. You are not a decorative pillow. You are not a supporting character in someone else’s life. You can love a man, partner with him, build something meaningful together. But you cannot reasonably outsource your entire well-being to someone else and expect it to be maintained flawlessly.

Nigeria, with its booming social media population and rising economic anxieties, is fertile ground for trends that promise women less burden in exchange for less agency. But we must be careful not to accept fantasies that do not serve our reality. Nigeria is not a country where most women cannot realistically afford to “retreat” from working life.

There is nothing appealing about turning off your brain. Please keep it on at all times, most especially around a man.