Modern day dating can be fun for the most part. People meet their life partners, make worthwhile connections and are able to form long term bonds through this medium. For women who date in the heterosexual sphere, it becomes necessary to really examine the nuances of our conversations with the opposite sex. This is especially true for women who hope to date seriously and for the long-term. For a lot of men, the goal of ‘dating’ is sex. While this may not have any underlying issues in an equal world, it does present with so many dilemmas when the patriarchy is involved. Often, casual dating or FWB becomes strenuous with heterosexual men because women are conditioned to give more in relationships. Thus, we become unnecessarily emotionally supportive. We cater to his problems whereas he gives no consideration towards ours. The scales are imbalanced and resentment starts to seep in.

Unfortunately, it is hard for many women to see the signs from the beginning. It is also hard for us to be honest with ourselves. Convincing yourself that a man just needs some time to warm up to the idea of a relationship with you is nothing short of delusional. When a man only contacts you at night with invites to come to his house, it is very clear his intention towards you. And no, there is no need to wait for him to spell it out. There is also no amount of support you will give him that will suddenly make him desire commitment with you. Men are also likely to be manipulative at the very beginning of your encounters with them, to convince you that they want the same things that you do. It is very important to know when your own needs are not being met, and to leave immediately this happens. If not, you run the risk of looking even stupider later on.

Thankfully, through Internet screenshots, we get to see what some women encounter in the dating world. These women are often made out to be the villains because they know what they want and they can clearly see when a man is trying to slyly offer them less than. With the right words, even blatant honesty can be inherently manipulative. In this first instance, a woman posts the screenshots of an Instagram message she received. While a lot of people went in on her claiming that he was only being honest, I saw right through those messages. Many men are quick to solicit or proposition women for sex, but then act appalled at the idea of an actual date. It is infuriating that society is seemingly okay with men talking about sexual contact the moment a conversation has first started, but women are awful for clocking that to be a manipulative tactic. Just because a person has a desire for casual does not solidify a need to present it as an option every single time they are talking to someone of the opposite sex. It is also very concerning when we consider that men have little to no consideration for their casual sex partner. The fact that someone is engaging in sexual contact with you does not give you leeway to treat them as a mere cum rag.

In the second instance, another woman shares her experience on a dating app. The responder starts off good, by adhering to her request for a date. However, he chooses a bar that is close to his house and one hour away from hers. This is a manipulative tactic that I gained experience with early on when trying to date heterosexually in Nigeria. While many men straight up asked me to come to their houses for the first date, some would feign an interest in actual outside interaction. This interaction would usually be situated at a late-night venue, far from my home, usually where alcohol is mainly served. This way after drinks and food, it is the more logical option to go to his house rather than all the way over to yours. Here, the propositioning for sex begins—if it had not already at the bar—and you find yourself in confusion about how you got sucked into the same cycle.

Just knowing what you want out of connections with men often is not enough. To get the best out of heterosexual interactions, you need to become well-versed in reading through the lines and blatantly rejecting what will not serve you later on. Being a cool girl is not a flex, it often leaves you emotionally jaded and taken advantage of. It is important to practice not jumping at a man when he expresses interest in you, even when you do not receive such often. I am thankful that women share these screenshots of their own experiences, even when people demonize them for it. This is so many of us can learn and become wiser from them.